So overcome with frustration, I lean my forehead against the wall and silently scream...
I had no idea what to do next...
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room…
There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files.
They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order…
… But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings.
As I drew near the wall of card files, the first to catch my attention was one that read… “Girls I have liked”.
I opened it and began flipping through the cards … I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.
And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was…
This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life!
Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content…
Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret SO intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.
A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed."
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird…
… “Books I Have Read”
… “Lies I Have Told”
… “Comfort I have given”
… “Jokes I Have Laughed at”
Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: “Things I've yelled at my brother”.
Others I couldn't laugh at…
… “Things I Have Done in My Anger”
… “Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents”
I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.
Often, there were many more cards than I expected, sometimes, fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived.
Could it even be possible that I had that amount of time in my life to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards?
But each card confirmed this truth…
… Each was written in my own handwriting, each signed with my signature!
When I pulled out the file marked “TV Shows I have watched”, I realized the files grew to contain their contents.
The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file.
I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body…
I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card.
I shuddered at its detailed content…
… I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
An almost animal rage broke on me.
One thought dominated my mind:
“No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!”
In insane frenzy, I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now…
… I had to empty it and burn the cards.
But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card.
I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it…
… Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot.
Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long self-pitying sigh.
And then I saw it...
The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With."
The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused…
… I pulled on its handle, and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands…
I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came…
… I began to weep: sobs so deep that they hurt…
They started in my stomach and shook through me.
I fell on my knees and cried…
… I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all.
The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes.
No one must ever, ever know of this room…
I must lock it up and hide the key!
But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.
No, please not Him…
Oh, anyone but Jesus!
I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards.
I couldn't bear to watch His response.
And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.
He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.
Why did He have to read every one?
Finally, He turned and looked at me from across the room.
He looked at me with pity in His eyes…
But this was a pity that didn't anger me.
I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands, and began to cry again.
He walked over and put His arm around me.
He could have said so many things, but He didn't say a word…
… He just cried with me.
Then, He got up and walked back to the wall of files.
Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
“NOOOOO!” I shouted … rushing to Him.
All I could find to say was “NO, NO,” as I pulled the card from Him.
His name shouldn't be on these cards.
But there it was, written in red…
… so RICH
… so DARK
… so ALIVE.
The name of Jesus covered mine!
It was written with His blood!
He gently took the card back.
He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards.
I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant, it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.
He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, “IT IS FINISHED!”
I stood up, and He led me out of the room… There were still cards to be written.
Having lived for 26 years under a heavy religious yoke, I cried and laughed with relief hearing this story, getting back that sense of child-like, I-can-not-stop-skipping-type-freedom!
That’s when I realised my life can ONLY be radically transformed by knowing Jesus and His finished work … also known as “GRACE”.
I wanted to know Mr. Grace, Jesus... intimately and personally.
And so that’s what I set out to do…
On 12 September 2004, I became a missionary and joined missions organisation “Youth With A Mission” (YWAM).
Feelings of guilt, condemnation and fear vanished like mist, as I started to drink the new wine of God’s Grace.
Now I work for Grace Gaze.
As a Grace Gaze Missionary, my goal is to show God’s unconditional love and grace using liberating teachings, stories and love letters.
And that’s EXACTLY why I share that type of content in Grace Gaze Academy :)
What is Grace Gaze Academy?
Grace Gaze Academy is your go-to destination for impactful Christian teachings that inspire and invigorate.
Stepping away from conventional study methods, we champion a fresh approach that brings God's unfailing love and grace into vivid focus.
Our content—powerful teachings, spellbinding stories, and soul-stirring love letters—acts as a conduit for His divine message.
Members of the Grace Gaze Academy gain access to daily affirmations of faith that instill an unmatched sense of joy, peace, and hope.
We aim to fan the flames of your love for our Heavenly Father, immersing you in His divine embrace, and guiding you towards profound bliss.
The consistent celebration of God's eternal love and grace becomes an avenue for deepening faith, uplifting spirits, and transforming outlooks on life.
It's an immersive, transformative journey, your daily refuge.
Our unique pathway to spiritual growth is so transformative, it's like discovering hidden treasure.
We at Grace Gaze Academy stand by the promise that we offer one of the most stirring, engaging, and life-altering Christian growth experiences available online.
We are dedicated to guiding you in feeling the overpowering presence of God's grace, each day, every day.
We extend a warm invitation to you:
Come and join us!
Rediscover and relish in the awe-inspiring wonder of His love, anew... each day, with Grace Gaze Academy.
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